When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
