life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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