I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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