To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize