There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
