whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
