Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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