new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
