come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
