The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize