Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize