the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
