Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
