Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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