i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
