Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
