I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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