Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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