and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize