I wanna bring you to show and tell
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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