ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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