Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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