Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
