Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
