Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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