i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
