Swine flu. Run for my life!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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