I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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