1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
