Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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