Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
