At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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