so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
