So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
