just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Randomize
