I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize