Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
