I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
