he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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