My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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