Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
