Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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