Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize