Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
