Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
