Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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