I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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