whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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