I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
