Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
