just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize