So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize