Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
the raccoons are back...
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