in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
