Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
