WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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