hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
