I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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