I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize