Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
where does the pee come out of this thing
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
