i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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