please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
