Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
