my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Come share oat with me in your robe
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
