you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
my liver is dry heaving
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
