you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
