He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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