I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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