I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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